brain did not autosave. dream-it-again-and-tell-it-like-it-was time

As a  child,i never thought that time extended further than the moment. It was absolute, infinite and all encompassing. I did not think further than what i experienced and i always felt that the moment would extend itself, and the feelings, emotions swirling in it, would also encircle themselves inside my soul in a perpetuous slide. Joy was a feeling for which i always had resources. It dilated out of me and came back, and i felt it was continuous and never ending.
As a grown-up, i find it hard to incarcerate myself during the summer months, for the sole purpose of cash for cheap booze and sneakers, susteinance and petty needs. But then i crack open walls and let rays of summer shine through the dullness.I float on winds that melt my creases creeping slowly towards the corners of my eyes and mouth, sunshine plays in my hair. A crisp breeze tangling in my thoughts, and joy resting on my lashes. I smell the wind, i glide in water; dive deep into serene smiles, and steal some childhood back. The sun was low, the water warm, the beach dirty and deserted. We filled it with my joy.

funky glamour on my hair. wash-my body-with-shades-of-summer. dive!

I had written down smth darn right nifty. but theeeen, my computer failed to behave. As a direct result, it decided to restart, and erase the nifty depiction of the musings about my day. Thing like that crimple your soul and make you go mental on a cigarette. Long story short, my childhood was great, and today brought me some joy. Dove in the Danube, took silly photos, drank nasty beer. Shower time and do it again!

tender mood. run-your-fingers-through-my-hair time.

Crimple my soul in sunshine, make it explode in rain.
Shower my senses with people and dance me away.
Give me a litlle bit of pleasure, circle around it with pain.
Cover my eyes with illusions that last and take my breath away.
Rummage around corners of thought, dissipate old memories.
Clear your throat, inhale your surprise ad rebiuld your shallow fantasies.
Breathe me in, infuse me with scent, come running to my face.
Smile but a moment, delay your mistakes, come rest in my embrace.

sappy soulfull crap is over. live-your-life time is now

Goofing off while spending a stupid amount of money can have rewarding effects with bonus-after-beer.
Trying to make some sense out of sheer boredom leads to financial ruin tho'. With that said, and a shower to match, listen obsessively to one song and go to bed trying to not sleep with obsessive song soundtrack.
May the endorfins kick in and may i not have muscle fever in the morning. Amen.

bury my sensuality next to my sharp teeth and my longs

I try to hide myself in niceties. I try to bury my intentions in well chosen words, smiles, well placed silence or low groans. I meant to say what i did. I meant to want what i need, yet i forgot to ask for it. Nevermind. I get tired to unravel from the games that i keep on losing. I come out crimpled, dishelved, confused and ashamed.
You should not forget. You should remember me. See me tattooed on the back of your mind, rumpling your thoughts, scratching your itches and not soothe them. You should long for me. You should wonder where i am. What i'm doing and if i'm thinking about you. I want you to want me to think of you. I want you to miss me. I want you to need me. I want you to feel lost, and confused and frustrated. Not satieted. I want you to thirst for me. I want you to want to love me, and crave for me. I want you to want to seduce me. To tower over me self confident, knowing that you'll win. But still do it. One of these days i will tire of half spoken sweet nothings, and pleasantries. i will explode into now-you-see-me-now-you-don't, she-ran-so-fast and nowhere-to-be-seen. Man up!
                      

when i pass on, there will be silence in my stead

Patience was a virtue i craved for long after i wished to be invisible. Unfortunately, wishes come true, in a form of their own working. Thus i am not transparent, but succesfully ignored by people close to me,which is almost the same thing seeing as they not only ignore me, but choose to ignore what i say, evin when they acknowledge that what i say is valid. It may not be annoying if it weren't funny, but it is. Every single effin' time. On the plus side i have a well exercised sense of humour. On the down side, i wonder how can patience be messed up.That will be the day..

enough is just a matter of perspective

One needs validation in order to acheive some sort of decent self esteem.One does not need someone's validation in order to be valid. So how come we crave for the applause of ignorants? Ignorants also need validation. Unfortunately, they almost always need more than they should get. I say we make them walk the plank, and point the pointy end of our wit towards their dull end, therefore ending their petty noise.

silence and peace is what you get

When i feel the need to be wise, i find that the universe mocks me with great passion... or small passion seeing as it is the Universe, infinite and eternal. When i feel the need to be wise, i give "precious"advice. Hence, te message in te photo.

so tired matty, so, so, tired

There is nothing more disarming than the feeling you tried and did not succeed. Also there is nothing more disconcerting than the signs of heat rash on your chest, or where ever else they might manifest.
On that note, shower time.

get your head in the game! nap time

I find myself, from time to time, wondering wether i'll ever be able to organize my time and do what needs to be done in time. But then my mind wonders towards happyer bunnys and rainbowy kittens. Procrastination is way more convenient. Considering all that, i conclude that i might never be able to be a grown up. On the plus side, i do well under pressure.

we're just shaddows of our former selves. we dream of what we used to be, of what we dreamt we would become when we would stop dreaming. but some of us never did become anything but shadows. and others became memories and regrets. we mourn our lack of spunk, and we ignore our apathy. we embrace silence and quiet ourselves instead of.. just. bursting. screaming. laughing. and waking the fuck. up!

I am a sea cucumber. A small, sea sponge that seems to have a shape of it's own in the permafluid defining it's life.
Take it out, and witness the flasc, spineless shape. There is nothing original that it emits. Just filtered water. I should sleep now, but i'm trying to filter out the sea water from my lungs. I should be watching artsy-disney-painty stuff; at least that would help a little. And maybe wash my face.